My Hijab True Story


What is hijab?
Hijab is meant for women protection. So they say. I don’t really understand the true meaning of hijab, once, when I used to be young, wild and daring.
Do I wear hijab? Yes. Because everyone else does so.
For the sake of protection? No. I can protect myself. I don’t really need hijab to help me. Furthermore, what can a piece of cloth do much to help me in the dangerous world today?
For the sake of fashion? Not really. Maybe, sometimes. Most of the time, it was just for the sake of peer and society pressure.
To be true, I was one of the Jahiliyyah in the modern world. The cities of Kuala Lumpur is full of bright lights, but my heart lived in a total darkness at that moment of time.
I still remember, one fine weekend. My husband came back from Perak, bringing me a gift. It was his first pay from his first job after we got married. With a smile he handed me a box of a lovely hijab. When I opened the gift, my face turn red. I was angry. My ego was on top of my Iman. I hated it so much that I forgot how it look like and where I throw it away. I know his intention was pure. He wanted nothing but the best for his only soulmate. But at that time of moment, I feel challenged. It was a sarcasm gift for me. I was not a good Muslim thou. I don’t wear proper hijab. I wore it on and off, whenever I feel like doing it. I was embarrassed by that little piece of gift. A piece of cloth that once I think cannot do anything to the world, now wounded me deeply.
I wonder why?
But my husband never loss hope on me. He keep on praying that I will be his soulmate in Heaven. I think his prayer that keep me moving and change me to be a better Muslim today. A prayer that have been answered by Allah, after a while. Alhamdulillah.
We had a blessed family, 5 kids’ altogether now. After few painful labour experiences, I became scared to meet death. Labour process was never easy for me. And that was just half of the pain of sakaratulmaut. I could not imagine the whole pain of death. It must be worse than I have ever encountered, for sure. Part of me wanted to change. I wanted to wear sock. I wanted to wear longer cloth. I wanted to pray 5 times a day without miss. I wanted to visit Mekkah. I wanted to be better. But part of me still does not want to move on. I am still the same despite the horror to meet sakratulmaut soon in future.
Yet, Allah do not grant my wish there and then. Allah tested me whether I am ready to become a good slave. Doa was not meant to be grant easily because you are meant to beg and be patience. It is for us to know our border line as a servant. We asked humbly, not force it to be grant arrogantly. Who are we to instruct the Almighty? A servant should never be bossy to it Master. How ungrateful for us to do so. Be humble and get yourself down to earth. Sabar is part of Iman. Yes. All prayer will be answered, for sure. Time and date is up for Allah to decide. He knows best.
5 years later, my dream come true. I was invited to go to Umrah in 2015. At that time of moment, I realize, my wardrobe was empty with appropriate cloths to meet Allah. From head to toe, I had nothing. I was a bad Muslim. I wasted 30 years in my life being stubborn and ignorance. Not willing to learn and not willing to listen. Will there be any good deed that I make towards other be accountable if I could not even do a justice toward myself? 30 years that I cannot turn back time even a second.
“By the Time! Man is surely in loss, except those who believed and did good works, and exhorted one another to Truth, and exhorted one another to patience.” (Surah Al-Asr 1-3)
What a waste. My 30 years was a loss.
That wardrobe teach me a great lesson. It make me start to ponder about myself. Who am I going to be the next 30 years in life? It was a slapping moment for me, a wake up call. I went for Umrah with bags of sin on my shoulder and a small hope in my heart that Allah willing to give me a second chance.
I went for Umrah as an empty glass.
I didn’t aspect much. What can a sinner asked from Allah when you yourself never a good believer? Nothing. I need forgiveness, only forgiveness.
Madinah, 2015.
The ustaz who accompanied us for the visit of Masjid Nabawi told us clearly, “Raudhah is for those who always have Prophet Muhammad in their heart. Not everyone are welcome. It is a special invitation for those who remember him.”
Blank. I am totally busted. I cannot lie to myself. I can count by my finger how many times I selawat for Nabi Muhammad s.a.w in a week or maybe a month. If it is not for Maulid Nabi celebration, I might not remember him at all. He was not close to my heart. Raudhah surely will close its gate for me. Oh Man! I travel this far and yet I was not welcome? Pitiful of me. It was the scariest journey in my life. Flashback, fastforward rewind keep coming to my head. If the Prophet does not want to welcome and see my face even in this world, how am I supposed to get his syafaat later in the Hereafter.
Road to Raudhah seem long enough and far at that time. I had nobody to ask for help. I was only hoping for miracle that I could solat there peacefully and welcomed in warmfully.
What the ustaz said was true. The Prophet was a nobody to me before, thus I am to him. I will never forget my first experience in Raudhah. There was no room for me. I was pushed from all sides that I could remember. I did get my solat, but when I sujood, my head was kick here and there. There was no peace at all at that place. How come people call it “The Garden Of Paradise”? It was a hell for me!
At that moment of time, I realized that I was so small and un-existed. For everybody and even the Prophet and Allah. That’s it! Suddenly, I got a courage to do a hijrah for myself. There and there, at that moment, I took my longest sujood in life. My tears was flowing like a rain. It was only me and Allah. I submitted a doa for repentance, a promise that I will uphold all the Prophet believe, teaching and Sunnah and there is no turning back for me, ever again.
The rest was a history.
I am a new person when I walked out of Raudhah that day. That was 2 years ago. And I am still holding my promise up tight. Raudhah changed me drastically. It was a 360⁰ turn over. Some people called it Taubat Nasuha. As for me, it was just a promise that I made for myself in a super sacred place to the one whom very dear to my heart, the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. and Allah. I just cannot break that one promise. InsyaAllah, I will not do so. As much as I am scared to make that move, I find it easy when you do it for the sake of Allah. He open the new road and He gave all the helps that you need. Before you even asked for it. Subhanallah. Allah’s gift is always the best! Up till today, my life are full with miracle and magical moments, touched by Allah. Alhamdulillah.
Do I wear a proper hijab today?
Yes. In fact, more than that. I wore a niqab. Right away after the Raudhah promises has been made.
Does it protect me?
I guess that piece of cloth even protect the whole family.
Hijab really mean a protection. If and only if, it is wear as it was meant to be. With an open heart, mind and soul. 
Truly, Allah love all the woman in this world. Woman are so dear to Allah, that he does not allow even the ray of sunshine and raindrop to touch their skins. That is why we are told to cover up. I bet the hellfire burn would be the last choice that Allah spare for those woman in disbelieve. He took care each of us from the beginning with love. Even from the womb of a mother. That is why Al-Quran mention numbers of ayat just for woman goodsake.
If one cover up and wore hijab properly, the world will judge her differently. Yes, I agree with that! Man, will take a step back when they see you. No words needed. They will open way for you. Like a princess, you can walk any aisle with respect and dignity. Somehow, they will lower their gaze, and respect you for your dress. Which is a good thing, alhamdulillah. You are being honoured like a royalty, even thou you are not.
If a man, can still or dare to come near you, talk and touch you like nobody business, reflex yourself again. Are you taking care of yourself seriously today? Do you covered properly? Because if you don’t care about yourself, why should they. If you wanted to be looked into, why should they not look at you thoroughly? They know that you are not serious. If you are serious enough to guard yourself, no one will take advantage over you. They won’t dare. Regardless any religion or race. People respect you for who you portray yourself. For example, young lady, with less and tight cloth draw a lot of naughty attention. Matured lady, in the other hand, with more pleasant dressing, draw a lot of respect from others. What more if you wear a Muslim code of conduct dress up in public. You deserve to be ‘angle of heaven’ on earth. Am I not right?
Secondly, it help to shape my family to become a better Muslim. For what I wear today, we can’t simply go to alcoholic served restaurant. Alhamdulillah, the choice has become easier and clear today. No more peer pressure. Even the peer need to follow us sometimes. Some doors of places might close to us but there are a lot more which will open for the best benefits of the kids and family.
And the girls in my house, simply love to follow me, covering up properly just because of what I practise daily. It was not hard to shape the youngster. As usual, they never listen. But they look and follow by lead example. Alhamdulillah, all my girls today wear socks, hijab and proper clothes even when they are snorkelling in the middle of the sea. Hijab should not stop them to be an all-rounder Muslim, I believe.
As for me, I will continue to wear a proper hijab because I know my weakness. Hijab, in a way help me to become a stronger Muslim. Never once, it make me weak in a public. Aurat is a big issue for me today. But, as much as I want to cover up before, I always find it is hard to wear sock in the public. Socks, everyone can afford to buy it. Yet, not everybody willing to spent and wear it as a daily routine. Me too.  I always try to find excuses not to wear it, once. Now, with niqab, I cannot misplace my sock ever again. The niqab is a pushing factor for me to cover up every single other aurat without fail. MasyaAllah, Alhamdulillah. When you really want to do it, Allah really help you to achieve it.
And of course, proper hijab need to couple up with beautiful soul inside. I am judging a book by its cover. To have a beautiful soul, one need to pray, everyday, that Allah will let us be in His guidance always. Keep Al-Fatihah close to the heart and this dua, especially for those who want to start a hijrah of oneself. Believe me, it helps!
"Ya Allah, I beg your forgiveness and salvation in this world and hereafter. Oh Allah, I beg of thee forgiveness and salvation in my religion, my world, my family, my properties. Ya Allah, please help me cover my aurat and give peace in my heart. Dear Allah, please protect me from any danger that come toward me, from my back, right, left or above me.  I seek protection from your greatness through any danger that come from below me."  





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