Miscarriage - I loss my baby!
Ramadan 2018. A month to remember. We knew that we had you earlier upon this barakah month. I was jumping out of happiness because I wanted another baby so badly this year. Little that we know, you survive to live only for a short little while. I never had a baby loss before, so everything was new to me. The experience, the pain, the trauma and the sadness. The struggle is real. Today, is the 7th day of you, leaving our family for a better place. I hope you are happy there, my dear. I am still, missing you deeply, hoping that I could hug you, kiss you and raise you with your other brothers and sisters. One fine day, insyaAllah, insyaAllah.
|We arrived at KLCC by 10 in the morning.|
It was Tuesday - 12 June 2018. We went back down to Kuala Lumpur for Raya. Plus, some other matters to settle. Having me hospitalize that night was NOT part of the plan. Somehow or rather, I knew we had a 50-50 chances to have you living healthy in me because I had bleed for almost a week. From spotting to bleeding to contraction (a day before travelling to KL). But I couldn't help myself to still put a little hope that you might still survive in there. A hope, that's all I need to keep me going day by day. A miracle, by God will. Who knows.
Later, that evening, I went for a check-up and the doctor on standby agreed to do a DNC on me that night, scheduled at 930pm. I had a blighted ovum. The sack was empty. My heart was empty too once she announced the news. I was calm and couldn't aspect much. The Creator love him better.
It was super fast operation. My first time in operation theatre too. No one was there. Everybody is busy with Raya. It was the only patient that night. They gave me General Anaesthetic, 3 times breath in and out and I was totally out. Under a good sleep until they pushed me back to my room at 11pm.
All I remember is to see my husband next to me in my room. He took care of our little Hawa and put her to sleep. I hardly could move myself that night. It was painful. Nobody ever mentioned that miscarriage is painful. Everybody over-looked at it as if it was nothing and easy to handle. The pain is real man! It was like I am giving another birth. It was the same - the contraction, the maternity ward, the post pain - I could not even go to the toilet. The only different is just - I am going out without a baby. And that fact hit me super deeply in the heart. I could hear babies crying from the other rooms, it hurt. When I see pregnant mom, I could myself in her shoe. I had 5 kids, and that does not make any different. I did not loss them. And each of them are special in my heart, including the 6th one. The one who choose to live in heaven instead of the earth.
It was 28 of Ramadan and I had loss my baby...
|Miscaariage survivor couple|
|Our first ultrasound scan|
|We loss it on 12 June 2018. He was gone.|
I was discharged on the 14 of June 2018. 15 June was Eid and my heart was not ready to have a party of celebration just yet. I managed to put up a smile and a good show. It did distract my sadness for a day or two but on 2nd Raya when we came back to Johor, all the scars came back to me.
I left the house while I still have my baby inside. Weak, but he still alive. I came back to bury him forever from my sight. I went to buy some traditional post natal medicine, but I couldn't. It was just don't seem right to have it while you actually have no baby around. This is not how I have done it 5 times back. To see mommies with new born babies are such a discomfort view. I wish mine is still alive. My new hobby is to hug and smell Rahimi's hair, hoping the unborn baby is a boy and grow as healthy as his brother today. Do say I am crazy, I don't care. Maybe I am a bit under depression, but I know if I don't LET GO, I will never ever go to the next stage - LET GOD.
Another hobby, is to hug and snuggle with dear husband like a newly wed couple. Seriously, as for now, a good warm hugs is good enough for me. My soul is weak. I just need friends. Not more than that.
Upon burying the him (the remaining blood cloth), my husband had his last azan, as he always did to welcome every new members to the family. But this azan, is for him to start his new days in Heaven. It was a quiet moment for us. It was just, me, Iss and him. We had our own prayer for him - may we meet him again one day. InsyaAllah.
|The double line pregnancy test is fading away. Was captured after we came back from Raya.|
He in this story was our beloved Ian Ismail Isham bin Mohd Razli Isham. A gift from God. Only for a month, a Ramadan, to cheer my heart forever. Until the next Ramadan, sleep well sayang. This is the hardest posting I've ever wrote but it won't be the last. You shall live in me till the end of my time. I love you Ian, to the Heaven and back.
A loss Bonda,